A story by Husband

(Josh emailed me this little short story he wrote about last week. I did not edit it...it is his and copyrighted)

Once upon a time there was a beautiful nurse. Her name was Jennifer Lynn.

She was a wonderful nurse. She took fabulous care of her patients and always came when they called. But that is not all she was also wonderfully kind to her husband Josh. They lived in a cute little house in Nampa ID. The lived and loved to be with each other. Jenny loved to be snugged and kissed, josh loved to snug her and kiss her it was a perfect little situation.

However, one day something unexpected came up… well I guess it wasn’t unexpected, it happened all the time. On a regular basis just like the cycles of the moon. Jenny come home from work on Monday and took her usual one to 5 nap.

This consisted of a little bit of  blog reading, sleeping and checking instagram, but mostly napping. Josh never really liked Mondays, especially Monday nights cause he knew what happened as soon as his cute adorable nurse woke from her deep Monday afternoon nap.

As  she stirred in those afternoon hours josh began to notice a change. Her beautiful complexion darkened. Her eyes sunk back into her head, her skin begun to look as if it was crawling right off her body, her hair became coarse like straw, she begins to have a foul smell, and she began to have a terrible raspy voice and  cough.  She began to whine and moan. As if it was helping to relive some of the pain inside her.

By these signs josh knew the sun had set and that his beautiful young wife had completed her Monday night transformation from incredible cute nurse to undead mean zombie nurse. Josh knew this would happen it had happened every Monday since the day she become the on-call nurse for the hospice she worked for.

However nothing ever prepares him for the cruelness she shows during those late hours of Monday. During these hours the zombie nurse would deny josh kisses or snugs. Her skin was cold and it was a direct reflection of her heart.

But like all stories there is always hope at the end of the tunnel. This hope usually comes around 8am on the following day as the sun begins to rise. Jenny’s skin gets back its lively glow, her eyes perk up, her skin warms and with is so does her heart. The smell usually subsides and is replaced by the smell of tressima and Johnson johnson soap ( disclaimer*** the smell sometimes stays till she can bath***)

These are all just small signs that she is becoming the cute adorable nurse, the biggest sign is this. As she heads out the door to do her nursely she leaves josh with a wonderful kiss. With this kiss what she is really saying is “josh my lover I am back”.  With this kiss it seals the deal that the Goldsberry house will be zombie free for the next 6 days, with this kiss she promises to not revert back for the next 144 hours, and that there will be joy and love in the Goldsberry house.

This makes it possible for them to live happily ever after.

Then end.

Thanks,

Joshua K. Goldsberry

Cutting the Cord

It all went down last weekend. My mom finally gave me the boot. No longer are my beautiful childhood belongings welcome in the Tippetts household. My mom told me to collect my things last Saturday...because they are tearing down my room, and remodeling. Little did they know that they have also torn down my little heart. They might as well just say that I am not welcome home anymore. Granted I'm being a little dramatic...but I think it is deserving. This is the room I grew up in...I cried there, sang Adele music, and danced to N'Sync. This is the room that I dreamed big dreams in, and decorated with cute knick-knacks.

I feel the saddest part of this tale is the fact that Brian's things remain home. He has not been asked to collect and take away his old Junk. Do they love him more? I can't see why?! Do they not realize that I will care for them when the time comes? I am the nurse! I know the truth about nursing homes! I'm the one they call when "the baby" needs a ride...or a place to stay while they are away. I'm the one who is designated as her guardian if anything terrible should happen to mom.  I'm the one who was thoughtful enough to do the dishes before the parents come home. Oh mother! What have you done!?

I fear I have no further words to express my grief. These photos will do the talking. RIP my beautiful room of fourteen years.

I'm embarrassed to admit....

* I just downed 19 popcorn chickens all by myself
* My hair looks like a wet crunchy mess after the rain this morning
* I went to get a drink and realized there was a dead fly in my water
* I don't really know how to use Instagram, but I have an account anyway just to be cool
* All of my house plants have died....all of my outside plants died too.
* Those two salads in the back of my fridge have probably grown eyes and legs by now.
* I take a nap from 1pm until 3ish practically everyday
* I throw my garbage at the trash, but don't look to see if it makes it so then I don't have to pick it up
* My eyeliner looks like a two year old helped me apply it
* There is mold growing in my shower......my mother would die.
* A funny odor is coming out of my kitchen sink. Guess I better spend the day in the family room.
* I frequently consider faking sick to get out of making dinner
* The bright yellow background on my blog is beginning to make me nauseated
* NO...I have no intentions of doing my visiting teaching this month, please stop calling and asking.

Jerk-O-Meter

Josh and I stopped at Sonic for lunch one day, and were able to witness a terrible event. A man ordering from the Sonic menu CLAIMS this ordering sign above ripped his EXPENSIVE shirt. He pushed the order button, and eventually the manager came out and gave him a $45 gift certificate to Sonic. He even took a picture of the broken sign with his phone. Yes, this man hit a perfect 10 on the Jerk-O-Meter scale today.

P.S It kind of reminds me of the time when someone called Arctic Circle and complained due to them forgetting their tartar sauce for their halibut. 

P.P.S Or the other fellow I know who complained to Papa John's about the slow delivery and received a free pizza.
P.P.P.S Or individuals who lack the energy to return their shopping carts to their designated areas. Really annoying, and lazy. I would rate this behavior as a 7 on the Jerk-O-Meter scale.

Good News!!

Good News #1 Folks! Costa Vida is coming to Nampa, Idaho! I would like 2 enchiladas, rice, re-fried beans, and extra EXTRA sour cream please :)

Good News #2- Josh started school this week. Here is his back to school photo shoot :)

When I'm a mother.....

I was recently put in as a primary worker in my ward. I don't currently have children....but when I do, I'm going to give this list a try. Don't be offended readers....one day I will read this after I have children and will laugh at how utterly stupid I was.

1.) No child...you may not act like a zoo animal at church. SIT YOUR BOOTY DOWN!

2.) I've seen some very sad things as a nurse. All kiddos under my roof are getting vaccinated.

3.) I will not yell at my children in public places. It just looks bad to onlookers. Save it for home.

4.) Please please PLEASE.....never let me become a mother that counts. "You have until the count of three to stop hitting your sister." Let's be real, kids will wait until count 2.99 every time.

5.) I was spanked, even slapped sometimes. I still enjoy going home to see my parents. It must be somewhat effective then to teach good behavior.

6.) I'm thinking crayons and paper only at church. The entire toy box can stay at home.

7.) No saying "shut up". It's just plain mean.

8.) If you are under the age of 11...I don't want to see your face after 9:30 pm. Lights out. With the exception of New Year's, Christmas Eve...etc.etc.

9.) The hallway at church has become Chucky Cheese playpen lately. When I was growing up in was a place you never wanted to be taken. My kids will avoid it like the plague.

10.) My kids will share their toys.

11.) Kids who walk have an increased risk of getting kidnapped. I'm paranoid maybe but my kids will take the bus or I will drive them.

Hmmm....I can't think of anything else. I hope Josh likes my list. Happy Wednesday:)

Over the weekend

Welcome to my weekend of suck. It started by going to Walmart on Friday, all Husband and I wanted was some pink paint for a project I'm working on. The associate had the nerve to ask if we were expecting. NO! You retard, is that some kind of fat joke!!! On top of that I worked this weekend. For like 48 straight hours of awfulness. I watch my phone like I'm possessed, and stress when it's ringing, as well as when it is not. I AM TIRED! I now have 3 hours left of on-call before I pass the task on to another nurse. The bad news is I am on-call again tomorrow night. Bah Humbug. I think Josh is sick of my on-call weekend too, I am a meany to him when I have to work. At least he is sweet and brought me Mt. Dew and made dinner.

In my next life I will never have to work and I will simply eat doughnuts and watch love stories all day. On a more positive note I am leaving town this Wednesday for 6 beautiful days.